TRIADs and Marriage and Unification
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This is a chapter that I despair of writing. I certainly need input
from a TRIAD to write it -- which I have, of course, sought -- but the
issue is so immense that I don't feel that I can treat it fairly here.
Marriage is an area, or at least many marriages seem to reflect a
situation, that would benefit from a TRIAD. To put it quite frankly,
many marriages seem to need a referee, and perhaps there are cases
where, if they had such a mechanism, they wouldn't end up in divorce. There is, of course, marriage counseling and pre-marital counseling but, as has been pointed out previously, TRIADs provide a social value that counseling does not. One may feel that with counseling they get a 'professional' viewpoint but there have been no great track records from that. Counseling costs. But, more importantly, TRIADing is continuous; it is not just next Tuesday at ten o'clock. And a higher level TRIAD should have a long enduring relationship that well understands the history of the situation. While many professionals are empathetic to their clients, TRIADs are based upon friendship. Still, I hear: "But what place does a TRIAD have in a marriage? The old saying 'two is company but three is a crowd' comes into play and, in a marriage, the couple is supposed to forsake all others." We are getting into an area of what comprises a healthy marriage, and I can tell you that I am getting out of my depth here. It would seem to me that everyone should still have TRIADs of close friends separate from their marriage, that everyone should have a separate 'higher' TRIAD for their own spiritual growth. Although marriage itself is one, or should be one, of the greatest contributors to spiritual growth in one's lifetime. I have been married for fifty years and I can pretty well tell you that my formula is: "Do what your wife tells you." Others will tell you that the secret of my success is that I married a saint who would put up with me; I appreciate that also. In reality, I must say we are very fortunate that we have very much in common in our outlook about life and the world. But none of this is about me or my marriage and I have to tell you that we never had the benefit of a TRIAD although, in retrospect, I think a TRIAD would have been very much a benefit to my wife. It would, as she has said, have made it much easier to 'train me'. So who might one TRIAD with in a marriage situation? As always, one wishes to TRIAD with individuals as spiritually mature as they can find, but it must be a person with whom they are truly a friend. And remember, the purpose of a TRIAD is to benefit all three parties. One party is not just there to benefit the others. Even in mentoring, the mentor should/must get benefit out of the exercise. There are many different styles of marriage, and I am not going to say that only one is right. Very popular today is the 'equal partners version'. Never worked for me and I don't see it working for anyone who I have watched try it. Split the costs. My contribution is this. Yours is that. Other than that, we have separate bank accounts and mine is mine and yours is yours. I don't know, I guess if it works for you… like I said, I haven't seen it. Then there is the "what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine" sort of marriage. Sometimes these end up with everything all belonging to one person. In one form of Christian marriage ceremony the male says, "I bestow upon you all my worldly goods", but sometimes later in divorce proceedings they regret that. As I have said, I am not here to define how marriage should be. I am just grateful that mine works and it is certainly a lot different from some others that I know work also, and many that don't. However, back to the TRIAD and, since this is something new, I cannot say how many ways one might make this work or not work. When two join together forsaking all others, that too can go too far. Not too far as forsaking all other romantic relationships, but too far if it means isolating one's self or one's partner from all other friends and social contact. There is a balance in all things and this thing of forsaking all others and not having friends outside the marriage would be considered a pathology by some. There are many pathologies that can appear in marriages. There must, of course, be complete loyalty and trust in a marriage. In TRIADs also, but TRIADs don't have the social/legal responsibility of raising children and forming families. They can, therefore, be more easily dissolved. A key to TRIADs and marriage is communication and TRIADs can help keep communication open in a marriage. People play mind games. Often they don't even know that they are doing it because the games are patterns they have learned through osmosis from their parents. In any marriage there are often two hidden players on both sides. That is both of the couples' parents (and perhaps back for generations) in how they treated marriage and marriage partners. What is proposed here is a new cultural position somewhat akin to that of the largely ignored Christian Godparent. The latter is found in other cultures by other names but seldom plays a predominant role. I will call this new cultural role/position the TRIAD Marriage Mentor. A couple considering/planning marriage should give even greater thought as to whom they are going to choose for this role than they should for who is going to be 'the best man' or 'the maid of honor' or who is going to officiate the marriage. The person chosen as their TRIAD Marriage Mentor should not be someone who is a family member of either the bride or the groom. The Marriage Mentor should not have a prior history of having been a best friend singularly to either of the marrying couple. It is probably wise that the Marriage Mentor always be an older person with mature experience in having had a successful marriage relationship. We are not talking here about a cultural figurehead, but rather someone who is going to play an active role in the marriage. That was the ideal for Godparents, although largely ignored, in the raising of children. Conversely, let me emphasize, the marriage will be/should be an active component in the life of the Marriage Mentor, just as has been their own marriage and their raising of their own children. When one might ask why someone would want to make such an emotional investment, the answer is that we should all wish to make positive contributions to society and that it is by such activities that we ourselves grow emotionally and spiritually. The role of the TRIAD Marriage Mentor should begin prior to the marriage itself. It would be a form of marriage counseling. There may well be a need for preparation for Marriage Mentoring, just as there is need for preparation for marriage, birthing, parenting, child-rearing and so forth. As the institution develops there could become standardized curriculums of preparation. I would consider this no less important in our society than, say, the requirement of getting a Ham license in order to become a Ham radio operator. There is no conflict between being licensed and at the same time being a volunteer. Still, as with all TRIADs, the activity should be voluntary and intentional. The Marriage Mentoring role is not as permanent as marriage itself. Couples relocate to new locales and consequently need a new mentor, just as they change doctors or religious clerics. Sometimes people simply feel that they need to change physicians or congregations, and likewise they may simply feel the need to change Marriage Mentors. It should most definitely be expected that one might have more than one such mentor during their lifetime because if, as a young couple, they have an older mature mentor then that mentor will very possibly pass on during their lifetime or become no longer able to be active to the degree that they need. Older couples may end up with younger mentors, but older couples often also need the benefit of a TRIAD as they face life changes. Sometimes one's spouse may develop incapacities -- psychological, emotional, moral -- that one needs help in coping with. In any case, regarding marriage TRIADs, we are talking about a new social arrangement. The persons in the TRIAD must all have a deep personal concern and respect for each other. They must all be able to take and express an objective view regarding the relationship between the other two individuals. While I will concede that much needs to be worked out through experience regarding marriage TRIADs, it is obvious that the present cultural arrangements in our social system are not working well. Extended families used to be much closer knit with generations living on the farm or nearby. Generational support was often more available to young mothers when they had children, and there was parental support in establishing homes and businesses. For some families this is still true today but, as our society has become much more mobile and splintered, many couples do not have family or community support as they would have had in the past. Many more than in the past are without close connections to a religious organization and clerical counseling. While, as just mentioned, there has been an enthusiasm for 'professional' marriage counseling, I only ask you to look about and say how well that has worked out for our society. Let me interject here another suggestion that I have received a couple of times and that is for TRIADs of couples, but groups of couples are not then TRIADs. Such groups may work well for some situations such as prepping, or many other support situations such as in raising children, running ball teams or innumerable other activities. However, I can see additional problems in marriage support itself. The reason is that the couples must be united within themselves and one couple is not likely to be willing to 'critique' or 'interfere' with another. The cross relationships being critiqued would be that between the other two couples, rather than regarding one of the couple's relationship within itself. TRIAD supported marriages, with their Marriage Mentors, are a new concept. If this is a valuable and viable idea then there are undoubtedly many 'experts' in the field of marriage counseling who will have much in the way of insights to contribute. Once again, I have no idea where this new TRIAD innovation may go, for good or evil. But, as with all things, it has the simultaneous possibility for both good and evil.
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