Chapter Twenty-two - TRIAD for Conflict and Divorce Resolution

Chapter Twenty-two -
TRIAD for Conflict and Divorce Resolution

TRIADs for conflict resolution are another new concept. In a sense, all TRIAD communication is conflict resolution and the search for understanding, insight and unity. Never do three people have the exact same comprehension but, in a properly functioning TRIAD with empathy and tolerance, they maintain unity. Here we are considering a special case in which there is direct conflict between two parties and the TRIAD is being used to provide objective monitoring of communication and agreement. All three participants in the TRIAD are, of course, moderators but in this instance, where a TRIAD is being used to resolve a conflict between two people, the third member of the TRIAD is the Primary Moderator. We need to make a distinction between a TRIAD being used for conflict resolution and other methods of conflict resolution such as judging and arbitration. The Primary Moderator is not a judge and has no authority to render or compel a decision, because by the rules of TRIADs we are not permitted to have an 'authority'. A legally binding contract might be negotiated through TRIAD agreement but that is the only way that a TRIAD result would carry legal weight. In arbitration, two parties may agree to abide by the decision of a third. In a TRIAD the two parties may agree to go to arbitration even with the Primary Moderator becoming the arbitrator, but that is then no longer TRIADing. Because TRIAD decisions and opinions are not legally binding, it is not even necessary that one of the aggrieved parties be a member of the TRIAD. It might be a good thing for an estranged couple to sit down with a moderator in a TRIAD, but it may well be the case that one, or both, will not be willing to do so. They both still most likely need support and can find it in separate TRIADs with two other individuals each who are going through, or who have gone through, a similar experience. One difficulty with such TRIAD support groups of the latter type is that they may too closely identify with the problem and lack the maturity to objectively view the problems from the alternative perspective of the 'other side'. However, that is the very point of TRIADs, to try to monitor each other and gain insight because, while empathy is important, reality is essential and it is often easier to see reality in another's situation rather than in one's own. That is the advantage of the TRIAD, if the members are truly committed to seeking the truth, then another is more likely to see objectively something that one is emotionally involved in. The TRIAD is supposed to be an empathy club, not a sympathy club. To return again to the situation where we have a conflict just between two people and a Primary Moderator, it would be well to now examine the TRIAD diagram once again and see how this works. The conflict can be on any subject; a marriage conflict or, even more serious, a divorce agreement are just specific examples. Let us suppose in the following diagram that the conflict is between nodes (parties) A and C. As before, we note that there are three lines of moderation. Mature A and C TRIADers will do well to assure that the lines of communication between the node they are in conflict with and the Primary Moderator, B, are working well. Now to note further on the role of the Primary Moderator B, while B may receive communication directly from A or C, and may communicate directly to A or C, the primary role of B is viewed as the moderation of the line of communication between A and C. The communication that B is moderating can be C to A: or A to C: Some typical observations that B might make to C could be: I don't think you understood exactly what A said. I don't think A said that. A may feel that way and, while that may not be accurate, for the time being perhaps you can be tolerant of A's position. Perhaps you could rephrase your response to A in a more kindly or diplomatic manner. Maybe you could restate what A has said so that A can be sure that you correctly understand A's position. And so on and so forth for an endless number of observations. In the example just given the type of remarks made by B to C could just as equally be made by B to A. Much of the time, of course, B may just silently observe as long as progress is being made. Similar drawings could be presented of the TRIAD communication that C is monitoring in the exchanges between A and B. Surprisingly, C might equally well make almost any of the above observations to A about B or to B about A. For completeness I will state it here, but it should go without saying, that the same type of monitoring is to be done by A in regards to the line of communication between C and B. And it should also be obvious that the B/C line also has two arrows of direction just as does the A/C line diagrammed above. Therefore, in some instances, A may be observing about B's communication to C and in other cases about C's communication to B. In some cases C may be saying that B is letting A 'get away with something', or that A is not fully disclosing something (or the dialog may be by A about the B/C line). This is the nature of free, open and candid dialog and is a part of the process in which truth is found and unity is obtained. In TRIAD conflict resolution it would be a definite sign of maturity, empathy, insight, for either C or A to support or reinforce the other vis-à-vis the other's communication with B. Indeed, both A and C should diligently seek opportunities to do that because it will increase their empathy and unity which is the primary TRIAD purpose along with the search for truth. Love Lost by Treasia Stepp TRIAD Level Rating 8.7 Amy (A) is considering divorce after five years of marriage. Brenda (B), her long time friend, has recently divorced. Vickie (C)is both Amy and Brenda's neighbor and has been happily married for 10 yrs. Their TRIAD for mutual support meets regularly at a local coffee shop. -------- C-(A.B) Vickie gave both her friends a hug and said excitedly, "Sorry I am late. I was going over brochures with Henry for a location for our anniversary trip." C-B "My exuberance is unthoughtful to you Brenda, because I know how you are still feeling about your divorce," said Vickie. B-(C/A) "No, I love seeing how happy you are, Vickie, but Amy is having complications right now in her marriage," said Brenda. A-(C/B) "It's quite alright, Vickie. I am a big girl and will get through," Amy said. C-A "Would you like to talk about it with us?" asked Vickie. A-C "My husband and I just don't spend quality time together like we used to," Amy lamented. B-A "Have you tried making time together?" asked Brenda. "I read in one of the women's magazines that a woman should surprise her husband with a special night at home. Favorite meal, house prettied up, wearing something that excites him and so forth. You know what good advice those magazines give," she added sarcastically. C-(A/B) "Don't give up, Amy. A marriage worth having is worth fighting for," said Vickie. "Brenda may be on to something. I know men are supposed to romance us but they are sometimes such boneheads that we have to do the romancing." ------------- Post dialog: Treasia writes: Please don't take over seriously any advice here or from lovelorn columns in the papers, but I am sad to say that I have much experience in this subject having myself gone through three divorces. I wish I had formed a TRIAD with friends or clergymen. If I had done so I may have never been married more than once or ever divorced. Naturally there are things such as marriage counseling or speaking with your pastor or other clergy for counseling. But a couple who is considering divorce might feel that they don't want to be "placed under a microscope", so to speak. A TRIAD could be much more comfortable and they also have the continuity of possibly consulting daily, or several times a day in a crisis, where counseling is generally only allowed weekly. TRIADing is also free whereas counseling can be costly, just like for other professional services. And I can tell you divorce and lawyers may not be cheap either. In tough times, and divorce is always a tough time, it is often brought about by economic problems, so a TRIAD may be a practical solution. Finding the right TRIAD partners or partner for you and your husband may be the tricky part. It needs to be someone who is insightful and mature and who doesn't take one of your sides. Please do remember that the purpose of a TRIAD is to benefit all three parties. One party is not just there to benefit the others. I have been divorced now again for about four years and I can tell you that I wish I would have had a TRIAD with other women friends with whom I could have sought comfort and asked for help in making such a life changing decision. Through divorce, people often become resentful, mean-spirited or develop other issues. The proper purpose of the TRIAD is not to help you stay married or get divorced, but to help you develop mentally, socially and spiritually. For that reason, TRIADs are valuable to have and be involved in at any time in life.